Maximize Your Optimization!

Dear Spam Author,

First of all, let me say how flattered I am by the many kind comments you have written on my website. I’m so pleased that you advise all your “facebook buddies” to read my site!

Also, I cannot thank you enough for your generous offers of assistance. Although I was a little confused by your willingness to help me with maximizing my Search Engine Optimization. Wouldn’t that be the same thing as optimizing my optimization?


What’s more, thanks to you I now understand that I can use my website to generate a very comfortable income. It seems only reasonable that I should provide you with a nominal fee, which would be just a tiny slice of the massive wealth I will soon be accumulating.

And I in turn would be more than willing to help others in the same way. What a cycle of wealth creation we will unleash together! I think this is what economists call the multiplier effect.

However, I have noticed that your wonderfully informative spam emails – which I encourage all my friends to read – lack certain elements that would contribute to greater SIO (Spam Impact Optimization).

Please allow me to help you send spam that really lives up to its full potential! Your excellent spam really deserves nothing less. Plus, the cost is hardly worth mentioning.

In closing, let me say it’s so nice of you to offer those genuine Hermes scarves and prescription medicines at laughably low prices. Unfortunately, scarves are just not my look, and my neighborhood Walgreen’s is so convenient. But thanks for keeping me in mind!

Hearing from you so often really makes my day! I’m sorry I can’t reciprocate just as frequently. Even so, I already feel like we have become really good friends.

Until next time, my best wishes!


47 Comments on “Maximize Your Optimization!

  1. Hilarious. Don’t you wish this would go to them time and again.

  2. Sorry to hear you have been privileged with spam. I hope the serving is not large enough to cause an indigestion.

  3. Good one! 🙂 I’m currently being inundated with spam advertising the latest and greatest (don’t forget, cheapest) winter outerwear…perhaps I’ve written too many posts concerning the cold weather? LOL

  4. hahahahaa…so I see that you are getting badly hit with spams. Same with me also. I get so many spam comments for my blog!!! luckily blogspot can detect those as spam and thus do not publish them and put them away in spam folder.

  5. Oh, you don’t want to miss those 1000’s of views promised by the SEO’s. They do get them for you I hear, but a not ones you want. I had a friend quit blogging because a SEO ruined her traffic.

      • I suppose there are good ones since many professional bloggers use SEO tactics, but like you, I don’t sell services or raise money from the blog. My friend wanted to earn from her blog and ruined it by using an SEO service. I get readers more from their personal interest in what I post and I told her that she should also, but she took the other route. Sure, it would be great to have 30,000 readers a day – she immediately got over 1000 and was pleased at first, but she lost out on Google searches. It is too hard keeping up with what I do have, as I assume it is for you too. I answered your question on my post. I am sure it will help Judy.

  6. Hehe. Right now they seem to be overlooking my blog. I’ve been inundated in the past. It seems to go in cycles. This made me smile.

  7. Yeah what is with this lately anyway! I was getting things about handbags and what nots….. So annoying! Thanks for sending them on their way with what they deserve! You crack me up! Have a great weekend!!!

  8. Brilliant response Jason! But do you really get a lot of spam, touch wood, iron etc. I find wordpress really good at filtering out the spam and only have to occasionally check through the spam box to make sure no genuine comments have been misplaced there.

    • I don’t know, I guess I find that very little spam constitutes too much. Or maybe it’s the waste – don’t those spammers have anything more productive to do?

  9. Ugh, I have opened myself up to spam again after allowing everyone to comment since some readers couldn’t comment on my blog.

    I just recently found your blog through Laurrie’s site. You have a beautiful garden!

  10. Quite an ingenious response to Mr. Spam. Or is it Ms. Spam? I would have to write my response to Comrade Spam, or whatever the current Russian honorific is. All of my spam seems to come from Russia. I have no idea why.

  11. Jason you commented about Carolina rose — it’s a once bloomer and blooms on old wood. Hopefully those uncut canes will bloom for you next year. The fragrance is lovely, a blend of old rose and lemon.

  12. Ha ha, perfect!
    Things here are quiet on the spam front, I think my little blog flies under the radar and I’m fine with that!

  13. I’m so happy that you’re enjoying Spam so much. In Hawaii it’s very popular baked with pineapple. Equally delighted that you’ll soon be wealthy and looking to help others. How kind of you. So, is buying a can of spam the first step?

  14. From the picture I had hoped you had come up with a new creative way to serve everyone’s favorite canned meat product. But I read on to realize it is a dish I have already been served over and over again, which was never fresh to begin with.

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