The Strategic Garden Tool Reserve
Here’s an idea for gardeners who, like me, have a tendency to lose their garden tools.
I never figured out how to carry multiple tools around with me while taking care of various garden tasks. Smaller tools usually get stuck in a pocket, which can result in pockets sliced open at the bottom, which is why you can sometimes see me hopping around the garden, shaking one leg until it gives birth to a trowel. If my pockets don’t have openings in the bottom, then they are probably full of dirt.
In our garden we tend to grow plants densely together leaving no bare ground, which is a good look but which also increases the likelihood of lost tools. Gardeners with tightly clipped boxwood hedges surrounded by gravel probably don’t lose nearly as many tools.
Sometimes tools go missing for only a short time, but there are always some that are not found until spring cleanup, looking like you would expect after overwintering in one of the borders.
You may think that losing tools in the garden is a problem. However, I see it as an opportunity to address the threat to our nation’s garden tool supply. You may ask, IS there a threat to the nation’s garden tool supply? Well, I can’t think of a single reason why there WOULDN’T be one. So – case closed.
My proposal is that every gardener who regularly loses his or her tools should be certified by the Department of Defense as a contractor for the Strategic Garden Tool Reserve (STRAGTOR). STRAGTOR would protect our American way of life in the event of a critical shortage of garden tools. Each contractor would be issued a hand-held metal detector so that they can locate their reserve tools at the moment of crisis.
Naysayers may point out that the tools maintained through STRAGTOR will be in pretty poor condition. That is why I have little patience for naysayers, they never look on the bright side.
Surely there is enough loose change over at the Pentagon to cover the cost of this vital program, given that they apparently cannot account for over $6 trillion in recent spending. And if the coins are hard to find, we can always use the metal detectors.
Many thanks to Chloris of The Blooming Garden for providing the inspiration for this post.